Just Thinking Out Loud

Today is the last day of November, thus the end of posting every day out of commitment. Kinda glad that's over. So it's Friday, finally, and plans for the weekend should be shaping up. One set of friends is hitting the bars in the nearest town big enough to have choices, but somehow I am a little too freaked out by the spiked drink to do a bar unless I was with someone like Mr. Perfect. Why? Well, few men in their right minds would try that mess than. Alas, I won't be seeing him so bars are probably out this weekend. Another set is having a little party at one of our friends houses. I may go there, I may not. Honestly, I'm looking for some downtime at some point this weekend. Old Friend has issued an invite for tomorrow night - a few beers and a movie. I guess that all depends on what I decide tonight. Oh well, not being able to decide is better than not having any choices I suppose.
I still have those boys who wrecked on my mind today. I have no idea how they are doing, but I'm going to find out. They've been at the back of my mind for days now. If you have a chance, before you say Amen, think of them.

A Little Compassion, Please

So, do I feel any better after my late night rambling? Maybe a little. Okay, alot better. I'm still going to talk to the guy who runs that itty bitty bar so he can keep an eye out. What's on my mind most this morning is two young men who were in a wreck a few days back. One of my family members hears everything, even from neighboring counties, and mentioned it. I have had them and their families on my mind ever since.
I only know a couple of people from that area, and not these boys or their families at all. I just hate it for them so much. One boy is in critical condition, the other stable. I've seen firsthand what losing a young one can do to a family. It's a ripple effect that in some cases never seems to end. I can't imagine being the parents here, much less the boys who were hurt.
Why am I worried about strangers when I have plenty of stuff going on in my own life? It's just the way I have always been. I want to help. I have no idea what I could possibly do, but that' s my first instinct when I see or hear of someone who is hurting. I've gotten alot of flak about my tender heart over the years. Honestly though, I think this world could do with some more compassion.

Lots of Rambling and the Big Deal

It's not that late, but I have that "can't sleep" feeling, so I thought I'd blog a bit and hopefully settle my mind down. Do you know where I wish I was right now? At Old Friends house. I feel bad for it too. Selfish. Why? Because what I'm craving isn't him, though he is a dear friend, but that welcome/wanted/loved feeling. True, it's not romantic love and there's no sex involved and hasn't been for ages, but I still feel like it's almost using him. I don't know why, because he wants to see me when he's feeling a little low.
Why am I feeling so low? There's the can't cut that last tie with the ex feeling that just bugs me. I desperately want that over. There's the jerk thing, which killed the crush for the final time and well, mostly sucks cause I didn't even get a good friend out of it. Alot of it is what I found out yesterday. Even though I'm on leave for other issues, my contract still requires that I submit to drug test along with everyone else. We don't really have drug problems in the company I work for, at least in our area, but we do have a family focused, member based organization. It's more for their peace of mind than anything. So the man who manages my contract says "Hey, when you're close to the office stop by, its that time of year" . Obviously, neither of us thought anything of this. I'm as anti-drug as they come thanks to Druggie Drama, and anyone that knows me knows I don't go there.
So I go by, do my thing in the little strip lined cup and go on about my day. The next day, I talk to the manager of my contract again, trying to talk him into a mini-return to work. I'm bored. He says, you need to get this all worked out then come on back, any clients you take on will have to be handled by someone else when you have to leave again, blah blah blah. All valid points, mind you, just not what I wanted to hear. Then comes the biggie. "Besides, you shouldn't be on the road much with the medication your on." Excuse me? I'm on birth control.... never heard of not driving on Yasmin. So I said "What?" (yeah, I know, great professionalism there but I was confused). He says "Well, you tested positive for _____, but since we're all aware of your health issues, it's not a problem. It's just not a good idea to be on the road that much."
He continues to talk, asking about how things are and such as we didn't get a chance to catch up the day before, and I was reeling. I made my excuses, got off the phone and freaked out. The only way anything was in my system was if somebody slipped me something, and the only possible time that it could have happened was Friday night at the bar. It made sense, some can't remember but flashes time, then really sick when even though I drank alot, I've had alot more without being sick. How about an hour or so after being sick I went back to normal drunk. Mostly, some so not me behavior that I could not explain or fully remember.
I call the friend I went out with, freak out to her, and it all makes sense to her. Especially when we googled the drug. It explained everything about the odd time of that night and how I felt after. Not normal hangover stuff. Apparently, side effects. That's what I was referring to when i said I haven't processed it. Maybe I needed to get it out more to do that. Hopefully this will help because as corny as it sounds, I feel violated. What if I hadn't have thrown it up? How bad would I have gotten? What if my friend and her husband weren't there to look after me? What would the jerk have done? What if I never knew and went back and it happened again? She knew alot of the people there, and one was particularly trying hard. Hard enough that I moved away from him to get the point across. Was it him? I can't be sure which is worse, being so angry at a nameless, faceless person and not knowing who the jerk is.
I feel better in an one odd way, because I behaved so poorly from the flashes I have of that time I'm so fuzzy (which was what I was talking about regretting in a previous post) that I couldn't understand it. Some things are normal for me drunk and this wasn't , not that way at least. I couldn't figure out what in the world my problem had been. Nor could I figure out why I was so much better a couple of hours after throwing up. Enough for the whole Mr. Perfect thing. Or why I couldn't remember only that section of time when I was at my worst. I kept thinking it must have been overdoing it. But wow, how many times had I been alot drunker without that craziness? Sorry I'm not going into details, and I don't get embarrassed easily but I didn't when I posted about that night because I was a bit mortified. I wont now because even knowing why it doesn't help. So I've been pissed off and freaked out about this while other dramas have been playing out. I am just so thankful it wasn't worse. So thankful my manager knows better than to even question it, I could've lost my contract! Over some skeeze in a bar I dont know. I guess the angry is still pouring out. Maybe Im being a bit dramatic about it all but what ifs are just too scary. I've rambled on and on now, and I apologize. Maybe this is what I needed to help get it out of my head. I'll know tomorrow. Right now I still want to curl up in the fetal position and have somebody make it all better.

And the Drama Continues

Well, some news from yesterday is even a bit much for this blog, as I have yet to fully process it, but I am sure I'll share soon. Ex drama continued as apparently he didn't like that I just refused to continue the "discussion that was going nowhere" and called last night. I just broke down when he asked me what the deal was, started crying, and blurted "I just want you completely out of my life." And he hung up. Granted, I feel a little bad for blurting it out and for crying to him about how badly I wanted him completely gone, but I just broke for a second. Way to go me.
The debate about Mr. Perfect did indeed continue last night, and I found myself right back to not thinking much of him as a friend, much less dating material. As I said, I'm sure he's a great guy to most, just not to me. So that's done. And I am declaring today a "Drama Free Day", so even if it means I have to not speak to people in general, I will not be dealing with drama - period. I don't like it, and I am just not going there today.

Baring My Soul

Okay, two posts in one day, I know.... but I was talking with a friend online a minute ago and she was talking about the guy she is dating, and the look of concentration in his eyes when they had sex. My first thought, and thus question, was "You look into his eyes during sex?" Her answer was "Umm, yeah, why?" , which made it apparent she isn't remotely like me on this issue, which I'll explain to ya'll as I did her. She isn't serious about this guy. She likes him, but there's no real emotion yet. I NEVER look into a mans eyes during sex because it's just sooo intimate... I'm not shy, which is obvious if you've read anything else here, but man, that's a deeper thing to me. That's reserved for making love. Me, looking into a mans eyes in the middle of it all is an emotional experience when I have real feelings for them, so I just never do it otherwise. The first time I do, well, its a big big deal to me, though I don't share that with them. That is my personal surrender right there.
I've said before I don't know how to love halfway. I reserve judgment, but when I let go, I LET GO and love with my whole heart. That's just me. Looking into a mans eyes while making love (not having sex, which I wouldn't do anyway) is like jumping, or falling, it is the symbolic letting go for me. I'm the only one (except you dear readers and now that friend of mine) that knows this as I don't really discuss it. It's just how it's always been. How many times in my life have I been able to do this? Twice, well two relationships - one I was comfortable with, one I wish I hadn't have. Yup, that's it. There's been the times I thought I was in love, like puppy love, not deeper love you fall into head first, but I never did it then. Like I said, that is my personal surrender and that moment is, well emotion packed each and every time. Even after the first time with each of those two it wasn't an all the time thing at all. I guess that's strange, especially judging from my friends reaction, but it's not the first or last strange thing about me. It's just always been so private until now that I never considered what, if anything, it might mean to others. I'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that I have no poker face and you can, as one particular and many other exes have told me, see everything in my eyes. I can't hide a thing with them. So that exposure, while actually looking into someone's eyes while making love, is big big big. I wonder if I am the only person that thinks that way? Now that it is somewhat out in the open with the one friend and those of you who tolerate my rambling, I am supremely curious if I am the only one who equates it with baring my soul.

Ex Drama and Current Interest Contemplation

Sorry guys, not a fun post this morning, I'm not in a fun mood. I haven't gone into too much detail about the ex, because well, that's over. I just gave you guys a bit of background. Where it was long term and serious, without getting into details, there is one little tie left that needs to be severed. Guess what? He won't.
I've had the usual "Can I come see you" messages, a message about a song that made him think of me where the guy wants to go back, and another one left on my voicemail. I've also gotten a nasty message about me seeing someone else - as if he has a say anymore. So is that why he won't get this done? Nope. It's just ego, a "mine" thing. Apparently in his world I am not supposed to move on. I don't understand that because I am genuinely glad for him that he's happy where he's at, and have been over our relationship for quite some time. He is, in some ways, but not in others. He doesn't want me moving on and this is his way of trying to stop it. It's frustrating as all get out. Why do some people have to be that way? Why not just be happy for me like I am for him and let it be? Ugh.
Sorry guys, but we spent a couple of hours emailing back and forth last night with me all but begging to get it done, then finally losing my temper. He still kept writing, but I ignored him because he's just not going to make this easy and that was as obvious as ever, and while I wish him well, I don't have the desire to chit chat with him. So what good did it do me? None. Nope. It's like spinning your wheels and I hate that. I just want him 100%, completely out of my life and he just won't let go and it's so frustrating for me. Well, I've whined enough about it this morning, so I'll move on to other another topic.
Dealing with my ex, well, it got me thinking about what is and isn't worth putting effort into, which I'm pretty big on anyway. That of course got me thinking about Mr. Perfect. I like the guy, I do, but I don't see the effort I like and that always makes me lose interest. After all, if a man doesn't think you are worth the effort, than as great as he may be, he's really not worth yours. I've already lost interest once and now had it sparked again, and the roller coaster thing isn't me so it's kinda do or die time on this one. I'm still in a wait and see mood to see if he comes in there. If he doesn't soon it'll ruin it, but that's how it goes sometimes.
Our mutual friend asked me about him last night and I told her the same thing. She said "I'd tell him that." Hmmm. Normally I agree that you can't expect a man to be a mind reader. However, in these situations, to me I feel like I've always just expected a guy to want to make the effort on his own, which he will if he feels the need. If he doesn't, see previous statement about losing interest and moving on. She disagrees.
Am I wrong? I don't know. I think it's more of a preference thing than right or wrong, with her and Mr. Perfect. I don't think he's any less of a man for lack of effort, just less the man for me. I'm sure the debate between my friend and I will continue over this, just because we discuss everything in our lives, but I will still feel the same way at the end of the day. So we'll just have to see what happens.
On a funny note, I did have the strangest dream about him. We were sitting on the home bleachers of the football field where he coaches, and he was playing his guitar and singing, wearing NOTHING but a baseball cap and his boots. That is the first time I've ever dreamed of a man being naked with nothing sexual happening, and it didn't. He sang, we talked, he just happened to be naked. I get the boots, huge turn on, I get the hat - he looks even hotter with a hat on - big time, and of course the guitar and football aspect are also turn ons. I so get the naked part. So all the shallow stuff was in the dream, but so was the conversation I like so much and there was no sex. I guess that was my subconscious way of admitting I like the deeper sides I've seen. The singing, honestly, I'd be content just hanging out and listening to him play and sing. After analyzing, it all makes sense, but I busted a gut laughing when I woke up and realized what I had been dreaming. Very, very strange indeed.

Musings on Orgasms and the Lack Thereof

Okay, boys and girls, in trying to keep my commitment to blog every day in November I have obviously been running out of ideas. However, I thought I'd fly back to the sex topic since it is fitting with our title here, and always fun.
I read yet another article on the big O the other day that made me very grateful. Apparently, many women, not just the friends I eyed suspiciously or pitied, have trouble reaching orgasm. I can't imagine that. I was for some reason given the ability to be highly orgasmic. Could every partner turn sex into a mind blowing, multi-orgasm spectacle? Hardly, but not getting there at all wasn't an issue. When it's good, a few a session isn't unheard of, and when it's great (so far only two in my life) I can lose count.
There is a downside though. Most women know the intensity varies, from "that was nice" to the I can't breathe, here comes another after shock. They are all good, but those last ones are just mind blowing. Just like intensity varies, so do my preferences as far as the actual deed goes. Even in a relationship, there is sex, purely for the physical sensations, and making love - with real emotion involved. I personally have noticed that though I like it all, when it comes to an emotional love making session, I tend to prefer tender and so slow.... taking all the time in the world on everything.
I don't know if it's the emotional side, or the slow buildup, or both that makes the difference, but those mind numbing, earth shattering orgasms tend to come from that kind of intimacy. Just like my preferences for everything, there is a time and a place for both orgasms just like all varieties of sex or love making.
I will admit, though, that I feel guilty for craving those mind/body/soul orgasms when some women are lucky to have any. I won't kick myself too hard though, as I am fairly sure that craving has much more to do with the security and stability of those emotions than anything physical.
I just had to explore that topic because it's pretty foreign to me, not being able to reach orgasm but once in a blue moon. Does that mean they can't on their own, with a partner, both, or what? How sad. I guess it explains another topic that baffles my mind and is just as foreign - women who could care less about sex. I still don't get it personally, but at least knowing a reason why in the world they might not, such as not being able to orgasm much, sheds a little more light on the issue. Which also helps explain my highly sexual self, which is no longer odd just among family and friends, but not nearly as common as I thought within the general public. I guess it's the sexual equivalent of the sensitivity of one's taste buds and development of one's palette in relation to one's appreciation of gourmet food. If you're not getting the full experience, you just don't appreciate it as much.

Back to the Shallow End

It's a bit early this morning to be delving into deeper waters like I did yesterday, and the moment has somewhat passed for now even if it is at the back of my mind, so I think I'll just keep things light today.
So what did this single girl do on her big Saturday night? Get ready, now, it's big. I watched a game and went to bed. Living it up, huh? In truth, I was TIRED from almost no sleep and a day of running and chores that followed. There was a band playing that I've been wanting to see, but I didn't get the heads up in time, and in truth, I couldn't have made it last night anyway. I barely made it to the final score. I really didn't want to drink regardless. Now that I've put a couple of too wild nights in I think I can safely settle back down to having a few beers here and there. If I can just figure out the balance thing I'll be doing pretty good. I think I may hang the punching bag back up to deal with stress from here on out. The bag and some fast, hard rock always did the trick before anyway. Besides, I need to get back in the workout habit anyway.
Oh, since I've shared about Mr. Perfect, I should update. I was curious, as I mentioned in a previous post, so I just asked him if we were anything. He said "What do you think?" I said "I don't know, you're kind of hard to read." He said he was, something about being good at poker, and I said I'm not, and had no poker face, I just prefer to ask. He said he wanted to see me again, I asked for what purpose, and he said "Not just sex if that's what you're thinking". So that's good, but lets face it, so is the sex. I did ask if he was seeing anyone else, and he said no, and I said I had to ask if we we're to be sleeping together, cause I don't share well, not myself or others. He said he didn't either, so that's good, too. Yeah, I know, not entirely specific but it doesn't need to be at this point anyway. It's something, whatever it is, and I know he's not sleeping with other people at this point, so I'm good. I have no idea where, or if it's going anywhere, but do we ever really know at first anyway? So I'm okay with that too. I'm curious to see how he'll communicate, if he'll make any effort, that sort of thing... that will tell me alot. I'm sure he's feeling me out too to see what this may or may not end up as. So that's where I am at there.

Deeper Waters

Yeah, I know I posted a sleepy rambly post already today, but I've been contemplative as well as tired and needed to get a bit off my chest. I feel restless and unsettled. So much has happened this year, it has been one drama after another, and I really am not a fan. I rarely drink like I did last night, but have twice in the last month or so. I think I used it as an escape from all the stress around me. Not a good idea, I know, at least that way.
Lately I've been chewing pretty hard on the idea that maybe I need a big change. Who I am now is not who I was last year. Alot may be the same, but I've gathered some battle scars that have taught me so much about myself, about life in general. I still have much to learn about both, though. I just think this is an opportunity to reinvent things. I had plans well laid that got blown to bits, and lately life has been more about getting through it. I need to step back, reevaluate things and see what works and what doesn't now.
My wants and needs in life are fairly simple. I like money, who doesn't? But I am far from materialistic. Family, relationships, love, security - those are the things that are really important to me. Going through everything I have this year, especially one particular drama that really made me look at life differently, has really made an impact. I feel like I'm just, unsettled, not content. What's missing? Obviously having your love life go from what you thought was settled and secure to starting all over is a change. I'm glad it happened, because I learned a great deal and I'm honestly happier with the way things are now. So that's not so much it, even though I'm sure it plays a role. All my goals have changed, so why am I walking the same path when I no longer need to get to those particular destinations? I think I'm in need of some serious introspection, some soul searching. I know I've slipped spiritually, which is obvious from my posts, even though that's been a huge part of my life and still is. Obviously that needs correcting, but that's not it in and of itself either. I guess it's just the striking realization that so much really has changed, and that my best laid plans are now moot. It's time to look inside and ahead and find some new ones, make a new path, so I can get to the place I'm looking for.

Goodness

Well, well readers, I had another adventure. I am probably too tired and a little too queasy feeling to be writing this, but I wanted to get it down when it was somewhat fresh. Friend, Friends Hubby and I hit this itty bitty place I had never been to. We had gotten into the tequila a bit before we left, and hit the beer when we got there. I was having a good time, as I love people and I was meeting new ones left and right in this bitty bar, just having a good buzz going and listening to music. Somehow, I got into some Beam, which is just never ever a good thing. Ever. So I was ready. I had a cup, then another, and I was still okay. What was NOT okay was somebody's juvenile dare to turn up the third cup and my druken stupidity in accepting. Needless to say, I got a bit sick on my way home. Just a bit. Still I was fine, in a great mood, staying at Friends because I don't do the drink and drive thing at all. And dear readers, guess who comes over, a long way over? Mr. Perfect. Nope, not kidding.
Here I was bound and determined to find a new crush after remembering how much fun they were thanks to him, and here he is. Of course we discussed the whole rudeness thing, which he acts like he wasn't being rude, and maybe he has a different mindset or maybe I'm just anal, but even Friend agreed that last deal was really rude. So we get past that, and talk for a while. I really do like talking to this guy. I like how he gets open and really delves into the deeper layer of conversations. So I got to learn alot about him, which was good. It also explained quite a bit and as it turned out, many of the things I had thought about him were dead on. I have to say though, he's smart, and I see him as one that likes to keep you guessing (which I personally hate), and I don't know, from what he said about past relationships I get the feeling he holds just a bit of himself back all the time, just a part nobody gets to. I wonder if he realizes it?
Anyway, we had our fun, too, of course, and it was every bit as good as last time. I am once again deliciously sore and wondering about this guy. I did flat out ask him if he liked me or if he was just going for a booty call thing, because granted, I gave him the wrong impression, but that just wasn't me. He said if that's what I thought he was doing we didn't need to be doing anything, that he did like me and wouldnt have come all that way for that. What does that mean? I don't really know. Dating? Friends? Lots of questions.
I did have to get up much earlier than I wanted to, especially seeing as it was daylight before we went to sleep. But, Friend is having a birthday party for one of her kids in just a bit. So, I've got a few questions about the whole thing, a few regrets from last night that have nothing to do with him, and I can't quite figure out how I had set out for a good time, and had been hoping for a new crush, just to have that old one lit up again. I do know I will not be drinking Beam in public ever, let me say it again, ever again.

Staying Out Of And Getting Into Trouble

I still feel a bit full and a bit groggy this morning from all the Turkey Day festivities, and of course, today is Black Friday. So why am I blogging rather than shopping? I would not be out today to save my life! Crowds like that are an assault charge waiting to happen for this little girl. lol I do my shopping online, thank you very much, and keep myself out of the madness and out of trouble. I can't promise the same for tonight though. A few of us are heading out looking for it. Here is hoping it comes in the form of a gentleman with muscled up arms, a country boy attitude, and some great eyes. Aiding in our search will be another good friend of ours, Mr. Jim Beam. Wish me luck!

Aahhh, Turkey Day

Not much time for a real post today, I've got lots of cooking to do and a few games to catch! Here's hoping you all have a Happy Thanksgiving and that you each have plenty in your lives to be thankful for!

On Paper vs Reality

An update on Mr. Perfect: We'd been doing the friends thing, chit chatting here and there, and I had noticed that he has some tendencies that well, irk me. I'm sure he is a wonderful person, but that particular thing just jumps all over my pet peeves, which was a good thing since it thoroughly doused the little crush I had going really quickly. Still, I thought we'd have fun chatting, maybe writing a song together like he suggested. Then he took his tendency to be a bit rude, which screams arrogance to me, way over the top. He'd been keeping in touch here and there, and I realized I could do something really cool for him. So I shot off a few emails and got him where any sports fan would love to be. Not only did I not get a thanks, he just ignored the texts altogether. Nice, huh? So now I don't even want to be friends, because lets face it, who wants friends like that? The moral of the story is yet another reminder that what looks good on paper is not always so much fun in real life. Just do not remind me of that if I find a new crush... crushes are fun to have and pure entertainment while they remain a crush... so do not do me the favor of pointing any of this out in the future, unless actual feelings develop. I've noticed in the last couple of weeks that not being in a relationship is great, but not having a crush is kind of boring. Wish me luck on spotting a new one soon. lol

The Size Debate

The title of this blog does include the word sex, so I thought I would throw my two cents into this debate as a friend and I recently discussed it at length. Does size matter? We women joke about the subject at times, and often swear it doesn't mean a thing. The real answer is, it depends. I have been with men were huge and men who were so small that I honestly, and regretfully, thought to myself "That's it?" . I will say though, some of the best sex I have ever had was with the less endowed. My theory? Men have a good idea of their relative size, regardless of self berating small jokes or the eye rolling anaconda ones, and the smaller guys work harder to please to compensate. At least that's been my experience, they make up in skill what they lack in size. I've been with one man with both size and considerable skill, but for the most part I think well endowed men (and many of my friends agree) are so cocky about their size that they never bother to learn what to do with it, or the rest of their bodies. So if I had to choose one over the other I'd go for smaller if they were eager to please. It's much more fun and more satisfying. While we're on the subject of size, some women go on and on about how they'd love a man literally hung like a mule. Me? No thank you. My ex and I bought a few toys online and with them came a "surprise gift" since our order was fairly expensive. It was a massive vibrator, and I have got to say, I used it ONCE. There is such a thing as too much. Once again most of my friends agree. Especially for us women who do our Kegels and keep it all in shape, we don't want or need something that large. I don't mean to imply that those who do are simply worn out, maybe they prefer it, but not I. I personally believe that those sizes belong on screen, not in the average woman. Then again, this is all just my humble opinion.

Too funny

Favorite response to the message I sent out:

"I was nice enough to dream about you last night, but it was kinda naughty" lol

The Fun of Flirting

Don't you just love flirting? I myself do it all the time, sometimes without realizing it, just being my outgoing self, and sometimes on purpose. Either way it's a ton of fun and breaks up the monotony of the day. This morning I sent out the following message to all of those I harmlessly flirt with:

"Just making my Christmas list and realized you haven't been naughty enough or nice enough to make it. ;)"

Flirting is on the same page as a crush, harmless and entertaining. Speaking of crushes, it is tediously boring not to have one at the moment. I'll be keeping my eyes open though, one will sure enough come along in a minute.

Feeling Loved

Hmmm, I feel refreshed today. Last night was nothing special, some cards, a few beers, one guy who got faked numbered (I hate to turn people down in front of friends, at least this way the embarrassment is private). Anywho, I spent some time with Old Friend afterwards. We just snuggled up and he played with my hair. Keep in mind this is not a sexual relationship and hasn't been for years. Conversation was minimal, as it is alot of the time, but something he said resonated. He told me that part of him wanted me to find the one, a man who would treat me as well as I deserved, and the other part of him hated it when I was with someone else. He said he knew he couldn't give me what I was looking for, but it was hard thinking of me with other people, even though he wanted me happy. He said he struggled quite a bit with that. I feel a bit badly about that. I do love him in some weird way that defies definition, but honestly, I would be tickled to death if he found someone that made him want to settle down. I don't get jealous, or struggle with those feelings. What does that say about everything? I'm not really sure. My eyes always give me away, and I think he saw I was questioning everything. He said "Don't worry baby girl, I've struggled for years with that, so this isn't new, nothing is different. I just wanted you to know that I know what you deserve, and even though it hurts that I can't give it to you, I still want you to have it." Nothing else was really said the rest of the night. It was just nice hearing some old rock, drinking a few, and feeling loved and appreciated. I don't know a single person that doesn't adore that feeling. Maybe that is the biggest thing we give to each other.

Presumptions

As I sat here this morning, racking my brain for something to write, I remembered something that happened last night. It didn't really register at the time, but I was more focused on the game at the time. I met a lady last night that frequents a place I was recently introduced to online. She also knows all of the new people I've met lately, so I was glad to put a face with the name. Then she asked me a question. "Are you coming to our games because you like our team, or so and so." Now "so and so" and I have chatted, never been on an official date or anything and are friends. He is the reason I first checked out this team out of curiosity. That is where his connection to the team and my interest in it ends. I mean come on, have you ever even met a woman who would drive almost two hours each way to watch a ballgame, in freezing temps, for a crush? To top it all off I don't even SEE this man at games, he's busy. No socializing or chit chat. I mean , really. At the time, I just said "No I like the team, we're just friends" and directed the conversation back to the game because that is what I was focused on. But that was a heck of a presumption. Maybe it's that "woman who likes football" thing. I don't know. True, she doesn't know me, or see me at my house yelling at the TV during a game (which so and so has no involvement in). I guess what irked me once I thought about it was the presumption that a woman couldn't enjoy a sport or a team simply for their own sakes, or that I was so desperate that I'd jump through flaming hoops simply to be in the same vicinity as this man even if I couldn't see or speak to him. Obviously, this woman does not know me at all. I'm sure we're all guilty of making presumptions, so its not that big of a deal. Hopefully it will remind me to be more careful not to make so many of my own.

Feeling like a sore loser

Well, I'm back from the big game and in no mood to post, but I did make a commitment so here it goes. Ugh. I should not be allowed to follow a team - period. I love football, and I get a little nutty about sports in general. The season is over for my team of choice, and now it's on to basketball season. I was asked to go watch a game sometime soon, and Lord help me if I do. Somehow I need to learn balance when it comes to ball... watch A game without getting invested in any way. I fussed the entire way home... and it was a long drive. I am still just deflated, annoyed, aggravated. Sore loser? Maybe. I think what gets me the most was watching them beat themselves. If you face a better team and bring it and still lose, well that's one thing. But to lose to a team you could've taken, to beat yourself... that's so much harder to watch as a fan. I can't whine too much, I know those boys are bound to be feeling awfully low. It's just sad to see the season end, but I'm already looking forward to next year.

Cancer Girl

I have a really good friend that has always been known for a few things. She's outspoken and very kind, and she loves to have a good time but is the first one there if you need her. At least thats how she was known before, as in before she started dealing with cancer. For some reason, some people cannot see past the illness. Friends of old avoid her, not knowing what to say, and people who would be new friends have bad reactions to the news and leave hurt feelings behind. It's almost as if she has to keep it a secret, as if she'd done something wrong, in order to keep from being known as the "Cancer Girl". Or from well meaning people looking at her with such pity, when she is not going to die from this at all, and feels the pity is misplaced. It makes her uncomfortable when people don't see her, they just see her as sick. Their perception of her changes. She is still the same person, the very same, but nobody sees her, maybe out of fear of the big "C" word or facing their own mortality. Why some people react that way is easy to see, what isn't so easy for those who haven't been there is to see how that makes someone feel. As if they are hiding a dirty secret, or somehow damaged or less of a person, or not just seen for who they are instead of what they are dealing with. So in honor of her, I write this post for those who do check in every day, so maybe if they have a friend or loved one in that position, they can see how they, and their reactions, can makes things easier, rather than harder, and how they can help. Take it to heart, please, as people like my friend surely do.

The More I Drink...

the more I drink. I'm sure at least some of you have heard that song. In an effort, once again, to post every day, I thought I would share the fact that the song fits me too a tee. Case in point: Last night I decided to have A glass of wine to relax. I chose a bottle of wine because I would honestly rather have a beer or a shot of bourbon. Knowing my tendency to overdo, I thought a drink I am not very fond of would be a safe choice. For the one millionth time in my life, I was wrong. I was so relaxed by the first glass, that I saw no harm whatsoever in having a few more. Thus, I found myself quite tipsy, at home, at 10:30pm on a Tuesday. Pitiful.

Bye Football Fan

I wrote to soon, thinking I wouldn't have any news. Well, Football Fan called from work (thoughtful) and after a few minutes asked me about dinner Friday night and an activity of my choosing after. Of course, I had to tell him I had a big game Friday night. He laughed and said until the playoffs were over the only way he might see me is at a game. Could he accompany me to the game? (loved the phrasing) Alas I said no (a two hour away game is too long of a first date and there's no escape). So when he said what about Saturday night, I just had to tell him that I really enjoyed our conversations, but I didn't see it leading anywhere. I hoped we could still talk from time to time, etc. He was gracious about it, and I felt like a jerk, but I just had no excitement for this guy. Ugh. I wish I did. He's cute, we have some stuff in common, the conversation flows easily. I thought I'd just play it by ear after the letdown factor, but that's just mean to waste his time. He's pleasant, but we didnt click well enough, share enough common interests or have any common friends to become friends of any kind. So bye bye to Football Fan. Here's hoping I didn't just shoot myself in the foot.

The Wonderful World of Football

As a girl who loves football, I get alot of strange looks at times, especially from other women. So since Im doing this posting every day thing, I thought I'd share why I love the game.
Football is raw, primal.... it's a battle when it's good. It's war without the actual casualties, a contest of both brute strength and strategy... mind and muscle, team against team, man against man. It's brutal, it's an art... the raw power is sexy as hell, and it's addictive. There is nothing like being there, seeing them go to war and lay it all on the line, hearing the helmets hit... it's intoxicating. If you're not that into it, especially you ladies, you are really missing out.

The Joy of Hormones

With dating comes sex, and with sex of course, comes birth control. Ahhh the joys of starting birth control again. You see, before all the cheating, etc., my ex and I were trying to conceive, so birth control was obviously not on the menu. Now, even though I don't plan on sleeping around, I still want to have that added layer of protection. Enter the pill.
After much research I decided on which pill, as the shot was my previous choice and I will never go there again (weight gain, depression... no fun). Recently I actually got to start the pill, which this one claims protection in seven days. So I'm glad to have that issue taken care of, not thinking too much about it, until BAM... the hormones kick in. I myself am very sensitive to hormone changes in my body, and they don't agree with me. I recall, with a bit of detachment, how each time I switched birth control before, I had a period of almost pregnant like hormonal issues. When I cried over a song and poem last night, and I don't mean the glistening tear, but a steady stream, I realized it's probably best if I not make any major decisions in the next couple of weeks, or be around people I don't care for, or God forbid handle a gun. Hormones. Gotta love 'em.

Friend Drama and Moving On

I am getting a little worried about myself. I turned down another night out with friends, on top of the date with Football Fan, to stay in. I love those friends, but going to the same few places to see the same few people gets really old. I am ready for new faces and new places - moving forward, I guess. So what did I do? I soaked in my giant tub forever, spent time trying to read up on the upcoming, and generally relaxing and enjoying every minute, until I got the call that prompted this particular post.
Being pretty late, when the phone rang, I just assumed it was Old Friend calling drunk to say I miss you again. Nope, one of the friends I turned down the night out with was on the phone, sobbing. I mean sobbing. I'm used to these calls, as well, as I am the friend people call when they need something or someone to talk to. I try to be there for all of them, new and old, as much as humanly possible. It hurts me when friends hurt, so I was feeling her pain as I tried to understand what she was saying through the tears. She takes a deep breath and starts over. What happened? She saw the guy who broke up with her well over a year ago, with somebody else. I tried to console her and be supportive, but I must say it was hard for me. Normally I am very nurturing and supportive, but I am also very honest, even though I try to be kind about it. With her I can't do that. She's so emotionally fragile, which I think we've all been at some point, but she is always that way by nature. I think that is alot of her problem in relationships.
Anyway, we talked for a long time, and I think she felt better at the end, mostly she just needed an ear. Now I need an outlet myself, and can't discuss one friends problems with another, so here I am.
Why on earth do women do that to themselves? This man didn't want her, long term, and it was so long ago and she's still giving him the power to hurt her and still angry. The first month after my last relationship I was a little angry, too. It should go away, though. If I saw my ex, with his girlfriend, I would honestly be glad for him things were still going well. I wish she could get to that place to just wish him well. Why she still wants a man that doesn't want her baffles me. She is still so invested in this so far after it's been done. She wants to be friends with him, which normally I'm all for, but not if you have real feelings for somebody. At that point it's just not a good idea. Besides, he's flat out rude to her, so why would you want a friend like that? I've just had to write one off myself, so it's not an easier said than done thing. Relationships, friendships, shouldn't be collected and kept just so you have one. Yeah, we all have casual friends we say hello to, check in on, etc., but if you're going to invest in a relationship of any kind, should it not be healthy and good for both people? Isn't the quality what counts? I think so.
Men are like shoe shopping. If you find a great pair that doesn't fit, don't get mad at the shoes, just find another great pair that does fit. Trying to force a fit only causes pain, and maybe a few blisters. Sure, it's no fun, and we get hurt, but if you spend too long pining away for one great pair, you just might miss the next one. That's what she's doing now.
She takes so long to get over each relationship, then she is so upset because she feels her clock ticking and she worries about her age and if she'll ever find the one. I'm afraid at this pace it will take as long as she fears. I wish I could help her learn to move on more quickly, so she doesn't miss out on the one, or put herself through so much pain. She really is a great person and she deserves much better than she is giving herself credit for. She just doesn't love or respect herself enough. I don't know, maybe I can figure out a way to phrase it to her. She takes things do deeply and personally, and I do not want to do any damage here. She's always been more difficult to be there for because my normally blunt style isn't good with her, which I learned the hard way years ago. I'm gonna think long and hard on this one, and take her to lunch this week and see if I can't get her to see what the rest of us do in herself. Maybe I can find her a good book to help her along.
In the meantime, if there are any women reading this, please just stop this. Just like you can't blame the shoe for not fitting, you can't blame your feet either. That's just the way it goes sometimes.

Well boys and girls, I had a GREAT time last night at the game. I ended up going on home afterward. I get a bit obsessed and I had to check out the other scores, etc. LOL. Since this is supposed to be about my getting back into the dating game I'll share this funny oddity. Last night it became a running joke with my friend and I that I was apparently very popular with the 40ish crowd. While the ball is in play that's really all I'm focused on, but at halftime, as we walked around, etc., I got the eye from a ton of them. (Keep in mind I'm really not all that.) Maybe I should rethink my look to get that reaction from the age group I'm looking for. :) It was pretty funny.
Also on the "back on the market" topic, I did get a call from Football Fan asking, even though it was late notice, to take me to dinner tonight. Okay, I lied and said I had other plans. I don't, but he asked if he could call again and I told him he could. We chatted a minute and conversation flowed well. I want to feel him out a little more first. I'm just not excited about this guy, but Im keeping an open mind. I think it's a letdown after meeting someone perfect on paper, so I'll just play this one by ear. Maybe next weekend I will actually take him up on it, we'll see, as long as he doesn't aim for Friday night ... there's another big game that it would take a natural disaster to keep me from. Yes, I know, none of this is terribly interesting stuff for those of you following along, but I did commit to blog daily, so cut me some slack. :)

In the Spirit of Comittment

I joined a blogging group out of curiosity, and though I haven't had time to really look around as much as I'd like, there are a few great blogs I'd like to check out and point some of your towards when time allows for it. Alas, today is not the day and I will be fairly busy all day. I did however make up my mind to blog every day this month along with the group, hence the even more pointless rambling and the title. Big plans tonight you ask? Actually, not as far as the whole dating scene. I turned down the offer to go dancing with some friends so I could catch a game I'm really looking forward to seeing. I may catch up with them afterwards since I absolutely love to dance and haven't been in ages. I guess it depends on how quickly I can defrost from the game. :) As for this morning, I need a little more coffee... later.

Football Fan

I had to run to the grocery this morning to pick up a few odds and ends. As I'm debating over vinegars I hear a stock clerk and another customer discussing an upcoming game this weekend. As the conversation turned to last weekends LSU v. Bama game, I admit I listened in. I don't know who of you saw that game, but at one point LSU tried to draw Bama offsides by shifting in. For those of you who don't watch football or care, they were trying to be cute. Instead, they were called for simulating a snap and then an LSU player got 'em an unsportsman like conduct penalty for removing his helmet mid tantrum. Well, stock clerk is insisting it was the wrong call. "Their hands weren't even down!" Personally, I think they got what they deserved, and of course piped in. For another five minutes or so we three talk about the game, and I excuse myself to finish my shopping. Round about the milk ailse comes the other customer, hereby known as Football Fan. He strikes up a little chit chat, and he's funny. I see what's coming, so I start paying attention. He's cute. With the exception of my ex I've always dated older men, but he's a little older than I normally go for. Still cute though, and he's kept me laughing another five minutes. In a credit to his gender, he just came right out and said "I'd really like to continue this conversation. You're interesting and I'd like to get to know you. Can I have your number so I might be able to take you to dinner, or a game? (he chuckles)." Thank you, a flat out request without a hint of arrogance. I like that. I did however, tell him I wasn't in the habit of giving out my number, but gave him my name and the name of the podunk town I live in (we have to travel for real grocery shopping lol) and said "If you're that interested, you'll find the number, how 'bout that?" He gave me his name, said nice meeting you and I look forward to talking to you soon.
Hmm, who knows if he will, but the conversation flowed easily and I love to laugh. He also had an old school gentleman thing going that I like. So if Football Fan calls, I believe I'll take him up on his offer.
While I have you here, a little side note. Yes, I write this as if someone else will read it, but it is mostly an outlet and an online journal for me. So you'll have to forgive my laziness at editing and whatever mistakes you may spot. I promise that at some point, for your sakes, I'll do better. I just can't promise it'll be today. :)

Ummm, No Thanks

Well, I have to say I'm not in a great mood today. I think the Druggie Drama is just wearing me out. So pardon me if I'm a bit of a pain in this post, too. I also wanted to say thanks for taking the time to comment.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way, maybe it's just my general funky mood, but I got asked out once again today by a man I have nothing in common with and I would bet my last dollar he's just looking to get laid. I know men like that are always around, but all these months since my last relationship has ended they have come out of the woodwork.
Usually I laugh it off after saying no thanks, but it's beginning to get on my nerves. I didn't miss this part of dating a bit. Yeah, I know, I had the one night stand that started this all, but truly that is not normally my style. So it's a bit irritating to get those invites where you know what they're after and what they're not. It's like they assume because I got out of a long relationship I need to rebound, and maybe they'll be the lucky one, or that I'm desperate - neither of which is the case. I don't know, I'm probably taking it a bit personally today because of my mood, but I'm weird about that stuff.
For instance, when I'm with someone, and get hit on by another man, I take it as an implication they think I'm a slut who wouldn't mind cheating on her man. I don't get flattered by it or enjoy the attention, it flat out pisses me off and I, being a big mouth at times, have made that clear on one or more occasions when that's happened. Oh well, I'm just pissy in general today and will save all five of you that read this from any further whining as my good deed for today.

Druggie Drama

Yeah, it's off topic, but hey I need to vent. The thing is my sister is an addict. She has three kids, two of whom hate her and one who is fast becoming sick of her. She has her own apartment, which she won't keep remotely clean, but is living with my parents, who also pay the bills for said apartment.
Why? Well, she does have some medical issues. Some were brought on by the drug use, but she's also diabetic, though she doesn't even try to eat right. The real reason is because she is such a bad addict she can't be left alone.
I've had calls from my mother to come pick her up out of the tub, where she's passed out in the middle of a shower. My Mom found her with the water still running, out cold. It took thirty minutes after I got there to get her halfway awake. She passes out over the stove, while eating, on the toilet, anywhere and everywhere. She's passed out with her face literally in a bowl of cake batter. She's passed out with hair coloring on her hair - hair that she pulled a Britney Spears on and pretty much shaved to the crown with a few long strands on top. She had decided to give herself a haircut while wild. She's left the stove on and my parents have woken up to the smell of smoke. She's a danger to herself and everyone else.
Her docs can't/won't put her in rehab, the last rehab she went to didn't even consider her problem "that bad"because it was prescription drugs rather than street drugs like cocaine or heroine. What prompted the last rehab visit was driving my niece to court over not getting her to school and being so obviously high at the truancy hearing that she was arrested for public intoxication.
They just let her back out of the hospital today, which she was in for four days getting test to rule out anything medical causing this. We are all about to go nuts with this. It's so draining, every day, to get the "help me get her up" or "I can't take this" calls from my Mom. I can only imagine how my parents feel living with her! My Dad has aged ten years in the last two years, and both of them are so stressed out and sleep deprived. What is worse is her children having to suffer.
I know it sounds cold, and I don't want anything to happen to her, but she is choosing to do this to herself, and as long as she does I feel like she should have to fend for herself. Maybe then she'll want to clean up her act, but if not, it will save my parents the daily struggle they're in now. It's all day, every day Druggie Drama, and it's too much.

Heard From Mr. Perfect

He was on myspace last night and said he didn't send alot of messages on there because his computer was "so very slow" but that he'd try to do better. We had a nice chat, and had in fact been on the same message board earlier last night, which I realized when he mentioned a comment I made on there. I don't think he's interested romantically, which is a shame but the way it goes. We do click though, so he'll be a fun friend to have around. So what if I enjoy the view along with his personality? lol

The Old Friend

I mentioned drunken phone calls in my last post, and most of those are from Old Friend, and he warrants some background and info. It started years ago, when I was 17. We met at a party where he proposed after seeing me funnel. Obviously this wasn't a real proposal, but a few days later I ran into him and somehow, laughing over the proposal turned into a two hour conversation followed by dancing and kissing in the rain to a song I will always associate with him.
We dated a bit, but of course, I wanted a little more emotion and well, that's not his thing. I did get a love song from him, which was at that point shocking because I had thought there was nothing there for him, instead of him just hating talking about that stuff. I still smile thinking about it. Somehow, we turned that, even after breaking up (not messy or anything) into and 11 year , hmmm, thing.
Off and on, for all this time, we would hang out, hook up, whatever. Hence, many drunken phone calls have been received. No, it's not just a sex thing, either. Many nights we could lay there on his couch, listen to great music, and just hang out. Obviously, none of this happened when I was in a relationship, as I said I'm not a cheater. We just always pick right up wherever it is we leave off. Ours is a hard "thing" to describe. I love him, I really do, it's just not the kind of love that fits the "friend" or "romantic" profile. It's all in it's own world. He tells me he loves often... more in a joking way or getting off the phone, and I think he does in our weird way.
So why hasn't this become more? Easy. I like emotion from a man, a few deep conversations, etc. He's capable, I saw that with the song, it's just not his way. Secondly, he's a confirmed bachelor. He's quite a bit older and still acts like a teenager - which is fine - everybody loves him as he is. My life is the polar opposite and full of responsibilities. Neither of us could live in the others world, but it's a nice place to visit. I feel comfy and peaceful with him. Like he's my own personal Jimmy Buffet.
In all honesty, if he could step up the emotional side, I would be happy with him and our easy breezy, not clingy type thing. Alas, it's not gonna happen and I need that to be happy so we just enjoy whatever it is we have. It's actually been years since we've slept together... and that's really not what it's about. We just fit in such an odd way, and we've been at this so long, and through at least one big deal, that he's got his own place in my heart.
Surprisingly, very few people are aware of any of it. My ex found out of course when he asked the dating history questions, and was shocked even though we live in a little town where everyone knows everyone and everyone's business. I always kind of liked it that way. Not that I'm ashamed... it's just not an easy thing for people to understand. He's seen as the bachelor king, which he will never settle down, and he is an overgrown kid in alot of ways. There's alot more to him to that though. Nobody wants to see everybody's favorite party guy as getting lonely, or needing to be loved like the rest of us. I like that I've gotten to see that over the years, as strange as it my sound.
Anyway, I'm rambling again. I just know that he will be a part of this blog occasionally and I wanted to share someone who has been a big part of my life. There is something absolutely comforting about not seeing someone for months and being able to knock on their door anytime, unannounced, and know that you're welcome. That's him for me, good friend, sometimes been lover, and absolute comfort zone.

Ramblings on My Dating Style

Note: This one is a bit rambly. I also must apologize for the multitude of post today. I had started blogging on another site, didn't like, and moved/updated the first two post on here.

Okay, so we all know dating is hard, that's a no brainer. Luckily, I'm not relationship hungry - I'd like to find a good man (who wouldn't?) but I'm content as I am. That's kinda the way I've always been. I'll date, as in keep my eye out, but I don't go "on the hunt" like a lot of people I know. Yeah, that makes it harder, but like I said I'm in no rush. Besides, I make things harder on myself anyway, so what's one more thing? And I don't date just to date.
For instance, I won't go on a date with someone I don't feel a connection with. Women can tell within 3 seconds of a man if they would ever sleep with him. I'm not superficial, it's just that without chemistry, you've got friendship potential, not relationship potential. Second, I have the same thing going with conversations as I do the physical aspects. I can tell if I am attracted to a man's personality fairly quickly. Obviously, it takes time to get to know someone, but I have pretty good intuition as far as if we could "click" or not. So I have to have that little bit of a connection first. I know most people say "Go and see what happens." Personally, I can't do it. I feel like I'm wasting their time and mine.
I also complicate things a little further because while I can be extremely naughty and love to be, 99% if the time it's within a relationship. (For the 1% see previous post) That way I can be as bad as I want to be without feeling guilty later. This is a hard concept for some men. That a woman can be highly sexual and still a trustworthy non-slut is apparently hard to grasp for some. I don't know why, but it is at least in my experience.
They also have a hard time aligning that side of me with the outside of the bedroom me, who is really a good girl with a tender heart. Once I decide to give my heart away, I give my whole heart. I've never cheated in my life - ever. The one time I came sort of close I was seeing a man but we had not become exclusive and it was casual... no sleeping together yet. Well, at a party I came fairly close to sleeping with an ex. I don't know why, as the other guy and I had only been out a few times and weren't committed, but I felt so bad that I left the party and drove straight to his apartment and told on myself. No kidding. I just couldn't actually cheat, I don't have the heart to hurt someone like that and wouldn't want to.
I can be so deep and so silly, though luckily I can appreciate when it's appropriate for each. I try to be good, and usually am, but I do have that wild side. It' s hard for a man to see both in one woman, much less let me misbehave with him without him seeing my good side as well, less. So I'm a little tricky. I like a man who is the same way. Obviously that isn't easy to find either.
On top of all those added difficulties, is the fact that I don't chase men. Period. It's not a game thing, I hate game playing in relationships. I'm pretty straightforward for the most part. The thing is, I'm not in a big hurry, not looking for a bed buddy, and not one to just date people to have something to do. I've got to be interested or it's just not fair to anybody. Besides, if I'm gonna put my heart out there, it's not going to be for someone who is lukewarm. If they aren't interested enough to make the effort, neither am I. If they do, I will meet them halfway, but who wants to chase lukewarm? I've never understood that.
So yeah, they have to show obvious interest, though Lord knows being as blunt as I am I prefer the kind of straightforward "I like you, I want to get to know you" that is hard for some people to say. I get that, I wait to see that interest first (still that 1% exception - that whole stopgap thing was broken if you'll remember), but it makes you feel a little better about taking a chance.
So far, of course, only being a week into deciding to be a willing participant in the dating game, there's not been anything to get excited about. The same old drunk phone call I get on a regular basis (more about that in another post) and one well meaning, but not gonna happen date request. That's okay though, I'm just wrapping my head around it anyway, and like I said, I'm not in any big hurry.

The Adventure That Started it All

I mentioned in my last post that I literally stumbled back into the dating scene. Seeing as it did get the ball rolling, it warrants a post of it's own. It all started when I reconnected with a old friend of the female persuasion and we got to be pretty close. She knew all about the Ex, and that while I was being asked out, etc., I wasn't really dating at the moment. Still, she had this friend (of course) that she wanted to introduce me too. Sure, I said, you know I'm not really dating right now, but I'm always up for making new friends. So she starts telling me about this guy, and I have to tell you, I went from up to making new friends to interested. He's a teacher, good with kids, a coach of my favorite sport, and an all around great guy that has been run over a few times like I have. He's a deep thinker, emotional, and loves long talks into the night. He also plays guitar and sings in a band, so he's a music lover, too.
Now, I'm not the superficial type at all. Of course, I love certain traits on a male like most women do. Big arms, dimples, cleft chins, big guys in general... that's my preference, but I really need his insides to be great to find a man hot. This guy had all of my mental/emotional turn ons down pat, and there was a ton of things we had in common. So already my interest is piqued based on what she knows about him, and when she invited me to a cookout so we could meet, I was up for it.
A day or so later she points me to his myspace page so I can get an idea of what he looks like, and OMG. It was like I got to draw the man who fits my physical preferences to a tee. Huge arms, big guy, cleft chin... all around just hot. I immediately messaged her to PLEASE make sure I nurse the beer we're all planning to drink at the cookout. I am straight forward sober. Get me drunk, and that stopgap between my head and my mouth shuts down completely. Not to mention I'd been celibate for six months as far as sex with other people go, and lets face it, battery operated orgasms get the job done and keep people like me who adore sex from becoming homicidal, but it's just not the same. I knew I was in trouble.
So the day of the cookout arrives, and while I'm interested in Mr. Perfect, I'm really ready for a night out because it had been longer than I could remember... way back into the old relationship, that I had a good one, much less one with drinking.
Now this cookout would be my first time meeting her husband, who I am glad she found because she is a sweetheart and he is a great man. It was also supposed to be a three couple event, plus me and Mr. Perfect. Unfortunately, couple number one flaked, and couple number two ended up having to babysit my friends kids so we could still have an adult evening. So, it's down to my friend, her husband, me and Mr. Perfect.
He's late, so we all start on the abundance of beer while friends hubby makes what turns out to be some awesome steak, and my friend kicks in some sides that would make your mouth water. When he shows up, I look down and he's wearing cowboy boots. Right then I knew I was sunk... I love me some country boys and boots. He's nice, we're all having a good time and laughing, telling old stories and getting more buzzed by the minute and eating a little food to go with the beer. Then someone suggested we play cards, and we flashbacked to our younger days and decided to play a drinking game. Out comes the tequila to go with the beer.
As drinking games go this one did it's job, and many more shots and beers later we were all pretty drunk and had been having a ball. The only down time that came in was when he told us all a bit about his childhood, which was not pleasant as far as that part went. He had me and my friend in tears, and of course I just wanted to make it all better. (No, that was not a sex thing, that was a touched in the heart thing)
We decided everyone should stay put as nobody could drive, and couple friend heads off to bed. By this time, I'd already been running that mouth when sexual comments were made, and was really turned on. We head to the couch all snuggly, and he says he doesn't want to go to fast. Usually I feel the same way, but that night was an exception to the rule. So I tell him I'll respect him for it... in the morning.
So we're chatting it up, all cozy on the couch and he ask if he can kiss me. Umm, yeah. Well, there we went, it was hot and heavy fast. I have a tendency to talk dirty and there was a lot of that, a little grinding, getting pretty intense. He says oh we can't. Ugh. So I say okay, we chat maybe two minutes, and he says let me eat you out. I said no way, we go that route and I wont be happy without him being inside me. He lays one on me and there we go again, intense as hell.
We go back and forth from the we cant to might as well be for quite some time. I'm having a ball, as he's kinky, not shy... all the things I am in bed and love in a man. He ask for, and gets, to watch me get myself off, which turns him on more and hardly satisfies me as worked up as I am. Finally we couldn't not finish it and head to a bedroom once we realize all of this activity has taken place on the couch in the living room. Let me just say it was great. He made me come so many times I lost count. It was so hot and so wild and lasted forever.
So the next morning, I wake up deliciously sore and in a great mood. I get up to go the bathroom and he pulls me back to the bed. I tell him I have got to pee, and he lets me up. As I get halfway awake, I realize with great astonishment that I'm not hungover. This is itself a miracle as my country girl, nonstop party, drink any man under the table days went out a long time ago when responsibility set in. I also realize my friends kids will be home later on and I probably need to get going. So I get my clothes and get ready to go and kiss a sleeping Mr. Perfect on the cheek and tell him I need to go. His response: "You ass." He pulled me back on the bed, kissed me and asked me to stay with him awhile. So I snuggle back up to him, we cuddle a while and then go for round fifty. I point out as I lay there completely satisfied that her kids will be home soon and we probably need to get on out of there.
We get dressed, mull around a minute, and he comes up behind me giving me a long squeeze and telling me he's glad he met me. Me too I say. Then as we're walking out the door to get in our cars, he says "I should get your number." But, he doesn't ask for it, or make an attempt to grab something to write it down, so an awkward moment passes and we get in our cars and go with a smile and a wave.
Of course, I've had a few nights like those in the past, but it's been a long time and those were my younger wilder days. Somehow though, I don't feel guilty at all, and instead feel guilty for not feeling guilty. That's really not my style at all to sleep with a man that soon, but I decide not to beat myself up for it. He was after all Mr.Perfect, as far as he fit all the "wants" I would list as far as the type of man he is and his physical attributes. I was beyond drunk, and I'd had a rough year. Besides, I had so much fun.
So what happened to Mr. Perfect? No idea. I may be straight forward, and sexually aggressive in bed (me loves me some being dominated, too, though) , but I don't chase men, period. I did send a quick myspace that said something to the effect of nice to meet you, I had fun. I do that with everybody I've just met, male or female, so no biggie. He says, you too, I had fun as well. That was it. The not interested vibe was out there like the proverbial elephant in the room. Our mutual friend is good friends with us both, and he knows where to find me, so the non attempt at communication was like a screaming "No thanks." Besides, I've never been a fan of the wait a week to call rule. If the man is really into you, he'll get in touch fairly quickly. If he's only lukewarm, well I dont invest much in that. In this case however, it was on obvious blow off.
Anyway, in the interest of limiting any awkwardness at bound to be future gatherings, and because I chat with everybody and am a myspace addict, I wanted to make sure he didn't feel awkward or think I was stalking him if I said hi on myspace. (We all know how men can take that leap from hey how are you to "Oh no she's in love with me.") So as I sent out Halloween comments to all my myspace friends, I sent him one as well, along with the message "Don't worry. I completely caught the not interested vibe, just being friendly. :) Have a fun Halloween and good luck on Friday." (Big game) Response, nil. So my attempt at keeping future awkward moments for him or our mutual friend at bay apparently didn't work. Oh well, I tried.
I'll admit I'm disappointed. We clicked well, have a ton in common, and the chemistry was there. That's not an everyday thing. It was however, obviously one sided or I wouldn't have gotten blown off. I'll probably wonder from time to time what happened, but just like I'm not the type to chase a man, I'm not the type to dwell on someone who isn't interest either.
So, to recap, I met a man with all the qualities I want except for wanting me. Instead of coming out of it with a potential relationship, or even a friendship - we would've made great friends under different circumstances, I came away with the realization that I did want to find someone with all those traits and see where it goes, and a good memory and no regrets. That was last weekend, and this week finds me back in the game. I know what I'm looking for in a man, and everybody wants to find the one, or we wouldn't put ourselves through the ugly business of dating. But I'm in no rush, and fully prepared to enjoy the ride, even if it gets a little bumpy.

- CG

A Little More About Me

Let's see, where to begin? Seeing as this is about my adventures stepping back into the dating world, some background into my last foray seems appropriate. I was in a long term relationship that as most do, started out wonderfully. He worked hard, and I do mean hard, to "catch" me... and what girl doesn't love that? The passion was intense, sex awesome, and we were great friends, for a while. Enter Hyde, the other side to ex, who was literally the opposite of the man I started with. He was lazy, a liar, outright cruel at times and at the end, a cheat. I did in all honesty love him to the bone, which is the only way I know how to give my heart away... all or nothing. There's just something about a man that makes you feel horrible about yourself that kinda squashes that love like a bug hitting the windshield. Add in the cheating and the car was going 90 miles an hour.
So there I was, out of that relationship and over it for months and finally back to my old self and happy. Still, I hadn't quite decided I was ready to jump back in the dating game. There was, and still is, quite a bit of drama around me, and besides, I was really enjoying that feeling of having that weight lifted off my shoulders, and getting back into old hobbies the old relationship had caused me to let slide. Feeling quite content with things, I had no intention of looking for a relationship, and I still don't know for sure what I'm looking for now. All I know is I stumbled, literally, back on the dating scene.
So here I am, ready to feel it out and see what comes of it. What should make this an interesting ride is the fact that I do tend to make a mess of things sometimes. You should also know if you plan to follow along that when picturing me in your head, you should not picture one of those women who are so hot they have men literally banging down their door. That would not be me. Don't get my wrong, Ugly Betty and I have nothing in common in the looks department, but Im no stunner either. Just an average girl, average sized, with a nympho sex drive that makes single life so much of a pain.
Also, while I tend to make light of things and laugh at myself, I really have a tender heart. Aren't those such a joy when dating? I'm also pretty loyal. I've never cheated in my life, which is a good thing because I wouldnt be any good at it. The only thing that ever came close was when I was casually dating someone, no exclusiveness whatsoever, and I kissed an ex and came pretty close to doing the deed at a party. I felt so guilty ( dont ask me why because as I said, the guy and I werent exclusive) that I drove straight to his apartment and told on myself. No kidding.
Seeing as a tender heart, a hard time with the whole casual ,more than one at a time ,dating that's common nowadays, and the sex drive from hell don't mesh well together, much less with dating in general... this should be an interesting ride. Wish me luck.

- CG