Lots of Rambling and the Big Deal

It's not that late, but I have that "can't sleep" feeling, so I thought I'd blog a bit and hopefully settle my mind down. Do you know where I wish I was right now? At Old Friends house. I feel bad for it too. Selfish. Why? Because what I'm craving isn't him, though he is a dear friend, but that welcome/wanted/loved feeling. True, it's not romantic love and there's no sex involved and hasn't been for ages, but I still feel like it's almost using him. I don't know why, because he wants to see me when he's feeling a little low.
Why am I feeling so low? There's the can't cut that last tie with the ex feeling that just bugs me. I desperately want that over. There's the jerk thing, which killed the crush for the final time and well, mostly sucks cause I didn't even get a good friend out of it. Alot of it is what I found out yesterday. Even though I'm on leave for other issues, my contract still requires that I submit to drug test along with everyone else. We don't really have drug problems in the company I work for, at least in our area, but we do have a family focused, member based organization. It's more for their peace of mind than anything. So the man who manages my contract says "Hey, when you're close to the office stop by, its that time of year" . Obviously, neither of us thought anything of this. I'm as anti-drug as they come thanks to Druggie Drama, and anyone that knows me knows I don't go there.
So I go by, do my thing in the little strip lined cup and go on about my day. The next day, I talk to the manager of my contract again, trying to talk him into a mini-return to work. I'm bored. He says, you need to get this all worked out then come on back, any clients you take on will have to be handled by someone else when you have to leave again, blah blah blah. All valid points, mind you, just not what I wanted to hear. Then comes the biggie. "Besides, you shouldn't be on the road much with the medication your on." Excuse me? I'm on birth control.... never heard of not driving on Yasmin. So I said "What?" (yeah, I know, great professionalism there but I was confused). He says "Well, you tested positive for _____, but since we're all aware of your health issues, it's not a problem. It's just not a good idea to be on the road that much."
He continues to talk, asking about how things are and such as we didn't get a chance to catch up the day before, and I was reeling. I made my excuses, got off the phone and freaked out. The only way anything was in my system was if somebody slipped me something, and the only possible time that it could have happened was Friday night at the bar. It made sense, some can't remember but flashes time, then really sick when even though I drank alot, I've had alot more without being sick. How about an hour or so after being sick I went back to normal drunk. Mostly, some so not me behavior that I could not explain or fully remember.
I call the friend I went out with, freak out to her, and it all makes sense to her. Especially when we googled the drug. It explained everything about the odd time of that night and how I felt after. Not normal hangover stuff. Apparently, side effects. That's what I was referring to when i said I haven't processed it. Maybe I needed to get it out more to do that. Hopefully this will help because as corny as it sounds, I feel violated. What if I hadn't have thrown it up? How bad would I have gotten? What if my friend and her husband weren't there to look after me? What would the jerk have done? What if I never knew and went back and it happened again? She knew alot of the people there, and one was particularly trying hard. Hard enough that I moved away from him to get the point across. Was it him? I can't be sure which is worse, being so angry at a nameless, faceless person and not knowing who the jerk is.
I feel better in an one odd way, because I behaved so poorly from the flashes I have of that time I'm so fuzzy (which was what I was talking about regretting in a previous post) that I couldn't understand it. Some things are normal for me drunk and this wasn't , not that way at least. I couldn't figure out what in the world my problem had been. Nor could I figure out why I was so much better a couple of hours after throwing up. Enough for the whole Mr. Perfect thing. Or why I couldn't remember only that section of time when I was at my worst. I kept thinking it must have been overdoing it. But wow, how many times had I been alot drunker without that craziness? Sorry I'm not going into details, and I don't get embarrassed easily but I didn't when I posted about that night because I was a bit mortified. I wont now because even knowing why it doesn't help. So I've been pissed off and freaked out about this while other dramas have been playing out. I am just so thankful it wasn't worse. So thankful my manager knows better than to even question it, I could've lost my contract! Over some skeeze in a bar I dont know. I guess the angry is still pouring out. Maybe Im being a bit dramatic about it all but what ifs are just too scary. I've rambled on and on now, and I apologize. Maybe this is what I needed to help get it out of my head. I'll know tomorrow. Right now I still want to curl up in the fetal position and have somebody make it all better.