Baring My Soul

Okay, two posts in one day, I know.... but I was talking with a friend online a minute ago and she was talking about the guy she is dating, and the look of concentration in his eyes when they had sex. My first thought, and thus question, was "You look into his eyes during sex?" Her answer was "Umm, yeah, why?" , which made it apparent she isn't remotely like me on this issue, which I'll explain to ya'll as I did her. She isn't serious about this guy. She likes him, but there's no real emotion yet. I NEVER look into a mans eyes during sex because it's just sooo intimate... I'm not shy, which is obvious if you've read anything else here, but man, that's a deeper thing to me. That's reserved for making love. Me, looking into a mans eyes in the middle of it all is an emotional experience when I have real feelings for them, so I just never do it otherwise. The first time I do, well, its a big big deal to me, though I don't share that with them. That is my personal surrender right there.
I've said before I don't know how to love halfway. I reserve judgment, but when I let go, I LET GO and love with my whole heart. That's just me. Looking into a mans eyes while making love (not having sex, which I wouldn't do anyway) is like jumping, or falling, it is the symbolic letting go for me. I'm the only one (except you dear readers and now that friend of mine) that knows this as I don't really discuss it. It's just how it's always been. How many times in my life have I been able to do this? Twice, well two relationships - one I was comfortable with, one I wish I hadn't have. Yup, that's it. There's been the times I thought I was in love, like puppy love, not deeper love you fall into head first, but I never did it then. Like I said, that is my personal surrender and that moment is, well emotion packed each and every time. Even after the first time with each of those two it wasn't an all the time thing at all. I guess that's strange, especially judging from my friends reaction, but it's not the first or last strange thing about me. It's just always been so private until now that I never considered what, if anything, it might mean to others. I'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that I have no poker face and you can, as one particular and many other exes have told me, see everything in my eyes. I can't hide a thing with them. So that exposure, while actually looking into someone's eyes while making love, is big big big. I wonder if I am the only person that thinks that way? Now that it is somewhat out in the open with the one friend and those of you who tolerate my rambling, I am supremely curious if I am the only one who equates it with baring my soul.