Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Crawling Out of My Cave

It began with the holiday rush and all of it's preparations. Somehow I just failed to blog while getting ready for it all. Then came the birthday blues (and this wasn't even a milestone birthday), followed by some end of the year reflection and searching for a new direction. I think I may even move to another town and start fresh. Either way, I'm crawling out of the cave I unconsciously crawled into.
Ah, men. They are to be the main topic of this blog and have they ever been interesting through this time. My Old Friend, my safety net and security blanket, have had a major falling out. I have been pretty down in the dumps about that of late. Just knowing he's there but I can't reach out like I used to kind of hangs over things like a shadow. It's like forgetting your cell phone - you may not need it but it still drives you crazy knowing you don't have it with you if you do. How sad will I be when I actually need my Old Friend? I supposed such a strange arrangement couldn't have gone on forever, but letting go has caused a grieving period for someone who was much a part of my life for close to half my life. That's going to take a while.
Otherwise, I've had an unfortunate streak with men. Usually, I have more male friends than female. Lately, they think I'm hitting on them or they're women do when I'm just being my chatty self. Apparently they knew I was safe while with the ex. If you don't know my loyalty when we meet, you learn it quickly. Now that I'm back in the game, well, people seem jumpy to me. Why not just chill?
Another issue. I'm a call it like I see it kinda gal on pretty much everything. Lately, that has caused some people to think I'm bitching at them or mad when I'm really just stating my observations. It's a bit unnerving as the universe has seem a little off tilt as of late. BUT this is a New Year, and the last one was a record breaker for crappy things. So I'm going through the painful metamorphosis of rethinking everything in my life. For years my plans and goals were intertwined with the ex's, which meant my goals, desires, etc. often got left to the side for the greater good. Now that I have this opportunity to bring them back to the forefront, I have to figure out what I want to do with it. Hence the move I'm contemplating.
Sadly, there isn't much to report on the dating scene. I'm getting bites here and there, I just can't seem to get interested or at least intrigued by anyone. To be honest, that's okay with me. It makes for a boring blog at times, I'm sure, but dating is not high on my list of priorities at the moment. On a positive note, of which there have been few in this post, Friday night is going to be a big celebration of a good friends birthday. I have got to dig deep, bury the down in the dumps for the evening, and fake a smile till I feel it. Wish me luck.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Ahh, the Booty Call

So I was up late chatting with a guy friend about his latest profile pic - we're trying to find him one to increase opposite sex interest, when I get the booty call - well text. Yep, the Playmate wanted to play. Somehow though, a cocky, drunk text didn't turn me on. In fact, the cockiness did the opposite - big time. I haven't even heard from him in days. Call me crazy, but if I'm gonna go the bed buddy route, it would have to be with someone who is always a good friend outside of the bedroom. So I said no thanks, and he actually got pissy! Huge, mega huge turnoff - as a playmate and friend. So I was sweet as sugar about the blow off, but a blow off it was. Man that sucks, now I can't even fantasize about him. He's killed it. Oh well, I already knew I wouldn't see him enough for him to make a good playmate, and that I needed to be a grownup and just say goodbye. So I did.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Better Grab a Snack....Another Novel

Ever had a string of bad days? That's been me the last little bit - much drama, which I hate. First it started with the guy friend who assumed I should sleep with him and actually seemed perturbed that I didn't. All this time I thought we were friends, when he was really just hoping one day he'd get into my pants. That sucks.
Then, the guy friend I super novel blogged about because I couldn't stop worrying about how much pain he was in. Well, since, as I said in the blog, we hadn't been able to sit down or have more than chit chat conversation, I just decided to send him my thoughts. He knew I'd been wanting to talk to him about something, but you still hate to drop something that heavy without introduction. So rather than text (the lack of tone and body language to read makes miscommunication too easy when it goes past chit chat) , I left a voicemail to the effect of "Since we still hadn't had time to have a sit down I just sent all that stuff to you". Not exact words at all, just what I meant. I didn't think a thing of it.
Fast forward to yesterday, sitting there chatting with a mutual friend of mine and said guys, and she says he sent her a text message asking what my problem was and that I had "crawled all over him" for not talking to me as much as I thought he should, and he liked me alot but wasn't ready to get married. I know! WHAT? We're not dating, and I'm not trying, so the married comment was a bit much. And to beat it all, I wasn't even remotely mad or fussing or anything of the sort. So I sat there, highly confused, told her the situation and she, too was highly confused.
She said he's just sensitive and took it the wrong way. Ya think? I knew that sensitive part, which was why I opted to call rather than text to avoid miscommunication. So I sent him a text later and basically took the blame cause who really care about the right or wrong issue, and letting him know I was in no way mad nor had any reason to be, and what the intent of the message was. I then told him I should just leave him alone because that's like the third time he got pissed at something I said because he took it differently than I meant it. The whole reason for talking to him was liking him as a person and trying to cheer him up, be a good friend. Obviously I was failing at that. Then the more I thought about it the more it bugged me. Yeah, sometimes I am confusing. I get that. Men aren't used to a woman giving a crap without wanting something from them, so that doesn't help. Plus, I say what I think and how I see things. Thing is, because of that, no one I know very well has ever asked me "Are you mad at me?" If you have to ask, with me, the answer is no. Its pretty damn obvious if I'm pissed off. What kept bugging me was the married comment. I'm not even trying to date him! I didn't want anything from him, the point was to give here, not receive. It wasn't the misunderstanding, just that comment. So I was ill.
Here comes the really bad part. I man I've known a long time who was friends with my ex died. It was sad, awful and you know me, on my mind alot. Then I read the obit in the paper yesterday and for some reason it just really hit hard. We weren't close, so I didn't get it, but I just got soooo down about it all. Then I had an uber crazy dream that helped me realize what was going on and why it was hitting me so hard. So that's good, and it actually makes me feel better about that. But I spent most of last night crying over this guys death and how it would hurt those around him, the death of a long standing friendship and how that friend made me feel like crap, and then failing miserably on my cheer up mission. Its just been a long, long year and my tolerance is pretty low at this point. I feel better know that I have some understanding of why this death hit me so hard which got me down to start with and the rest just snowballed. I do know one thing, I will be celebrating the end of this year and the new beginning more than I have ever celebrated or appreciated New Years in my life.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Crappy Night in General

Last night just sucked. Period. I went out to a party, planning on having a good time. I got a little drunk and was having fun for a bit. Then this guy I know, and up until now was friends with, really started to piss me off. He kept saying things in front of everybody at the party, and loud enough for the neighbors to hear, that just bugged me. Like, "No, I'm not going to the bar, I'm staying here with my lady." "Nope, she already cussed me out and said I was NOT going to the bar dressed like this. Boys, she'll kill me if I go." "No, staying here with my girl, you guys go ahead, I want to spend some time with her." Alot of this being said as he's swinging an arm around me, etc.
Okay, we are not together, and are not going to be together, period. This is a small town with big mouths, and I just don't like somebody acting like I'm theirs when I'm not. I tried not to embarrass him in front of everybody, so I just told him to go on with them to the bar. Repeatedly. Then as he made more innuendos like we were gonna stay there and have sex, I flat out whispered in his ear that was not getting any, don't know why he was acting that way, so go on to the bar. He said, No baby, I know, I know. I just really want to hang out with you. I've missed you.
Uh huh. So they all leave, he begs me to stay and promises to be good. We've hung out millions of times before with no problem. Despite his promises, he kept on and on and just pissed me off. What, am I only a vagina? Damn. I never gave him any indication there was anything between us and had flat out told him it wasnt gonna happen. He just kept trying to talk me into it, to hell with what I thought. He almost seemed pissed I wouldnt sleep with him. Why the hell would I?He made me feel like a slut. And like he wasnt much of a friend like I thought. I left, pissed off, and came home early, feeling pretty low. I had apologies waiting on my voicemail, three, when I got home. I was drunk enough to send a text telling him what he could do with those and to lose my number.
Oh and at this party, some younger girl kept huffing around and I wondered what her problem was. She seemed mad at her man but I couldn't figure out why. It dawned on me as they left that she thought we were flirting with each other. A friend said that was it, she thought I wanted him. Okay why? We spoke, but not anymore than anyone else. That boy was a baby, way too young for me and there was no flirting on either side. The friend said she was just really jealous. That bugged me too. Cause I don't have a man with me and we had a very little bit of polite conversation, in a GROUP setting I might add, that means Im after him? Give me a break. I guess just the being perceived as a man stealer, well boy stealer in this case, and being treated like a common piece of ass by someone I thought was a real friend just kinda pissed me off in general.

Saturday, December 15, 2007


I have been feeling restless the last couple of days. As I described it to a friend, it's like that feeling when you're hungry, but nothing sounds good. I don't get that way often at all, and I must say I am not a fan. I stayed home last night, avoiding three events and making two friends a little upset I'm afraid. I just didn't feel right. It's hard to explain.
I'm glad I did though, as a friend called after midnight, needing to talk. His heart was broken, which made for a conversation that lasted well past 3 am. I am so tired this morning, but glad I could be there.
What's funny is, I don't even blink at late calls I get them so often. Many of my friends are guilty of drinking and dialing like I am, so I get those alot. I also happen to be the friend that friends call when they need a shoulder. They also know they can call me anytime, day or night, and I'll be there.
But after the phone call ended, sitting there feeling bad for my friend and still restless myself, I realized I could use a shoulder. It's strange how I never mind being that for others, but when I need it myself, it's hard for me to reach out since I'm so used to things being the other way around. Maybe I'll get the hang of that one day soon. Hopefully I'll get rid of this restlessness even sooner.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

the Playmate

I was very naughty yesterday. Actually, it was fairly toned down for me, but still. I should feel bad, but I don't. I enjoy it. See, I'm a complicated girl. On the one hand, when it comes to the bedroom I am so very naughty, but outside of that, I'm the "good girl".
Well, one particular man in my life would make a great playmate, which I think is what I'll call him from here on out. We've had sex, and it was hot - very hot, and yesterday we sent a few fun texts back and forth, which inspired a very naughty project.
Now the dilemma. Of course, things couldn't possibly be simple. I'm relationship minded. I like being as naughty as I want without feeling guilty. I'm also just in that place where I'd like to find a good relationship, but I'm not really in a hurry. The Playmate normally would be great relationship material, but a couple of things, including emotional unavailability, are big emotional turnoffs. I like him alot as a friend, and I almost wish he was in a place to be starting a relationship to simplify things. As it stands, though, I can't see him as relationship material, which is fine by him since he doesn't want one either, so nobody's getting hurt here.
The thing is, I like having sex with him. I'd like to keep having sex with him. But then there's that thing about me that won't even let me date a man (not even without sex) if I'm sleeping with another. I just can't do it. So going the bed buddy route with the Playmate would be fun, but would totally keep me off the market dating wise. Yeah, I know, most of my friends would see no problem with dating other men too as long as you aren't sleeping with them... I just can't. And while I'm not in a hurry relationship wise, I would like to find one eventually and don't want to miss out on something.
So I could just do the bed buddy thing with the Playmate until I meet somebody I'm interested in. Lord knows of the men I've met lately, they've all great on paper with no spark, and ya gotta have a spark. The thing is, I truly adore sex. So if I'm gonna go the bed buddy route, which is not really usually my thing, then I at least want one who is more available to play on a regular basis. I've only seen this guy twice in a couple of months, not exactly bed buddy frequency for this girl.
I wouldn't have any trouble finding one closer to home and more available (not bragging - you girls know how it is) but I am not/was not looking for that, it's just the only solution I see to this
Playmate situation. He'd be fine with that, I'm sure. Like I said, he's not looking for a relationship from this, and even though he says he's not just interested in sex... he is. Men have a way of making that obvious, don't they girls?
The thing is, I really do like him as a person, as a friend. So up until yesterday, I had resisted any urges to be naughty with him and tried to behave. There's just something about him that brings out the naughty side in a big way. He's so tempting.
Oh dear, what's a girl to do? I think I may just have to be a grownup and say goodbye to the Playmate. He's not very interested in actually building a friendship, you can tell that pretty easily. And since neither of us are looking for a relationship from this, and my reasons for not wanting one with him probably aren't gonna change anytime soon, and I can only guess what his are, it just leaves sex. As much as I would love playtime with him on a regular basis, he just doesn't seem that available. Which leaves me with not much. A bed buddy too busy to play just isn't much fun. Man that sucks.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Be warned, it's a long one

Okay dear readers, it's spill my guts time again. So there's this man (of course), who I really like as a person. He seems to be going through alot, like alot of different issues are coming to a head. It's been on my mind for, wow, almost a couple of months I guess, so I need to get it all out.
He has alot of people in his life he knows much better than me, who I'm sure would be happy to be there for him. He just strikes me as someone who has a hard time letting people in. What is to follow is mostly assumptions, so I could be off, but here they go.

I would bet that even in his long term relationships, he always held back a piece of himself. Then he was insecure because deep down he knew he was withholding, and so thought "If you don't really know me, you can't really love me, or all of me." Women, we know how we sense a man is holding back, and I bet two of those ladies in particular really felt it. He came close it seems with both, but they were probably insecure too, and they ended up hurting him because of it. They were wrong, without question, for the things they did to him, I just sense that was where some of it came from.

Coming so close and getting hurt just reinforced his need to hold back and protect himself. What's sad is, I feel like he is dying for someone to love him and respect him for who he is completely, deep down. Someone that knows it all and loves him anyway, with no strings attached. Someone who can see him vulnerable, without seeing him as weak. The thing is, he won't find that until he takes a risk and learns to really open up. He's big and tough and strong and just seems to be someone who commands respect, and deserves it. He also seems to wear a mask of confidence that hides the little boy inside that is insecure and craving unconditional love. He's been wearing it so long I think he's afraid to take it off, even for those he's known all his life - especially those people. I think he feels like in some way he'd be letting them down somehow. He wouldn't be, of course, but he's hard on himself. Things that we all want and need I think he sees in himself as weakness. I don't think he sees it that way in anybody but himself.

He also seems extremely competitive. I can see where that comes from. When he was younger, it seems like parental affection from his father was tied to success and accomplishments, strength and power. I think his Mom was struggling as a single Mom, and though I'm sure he felt loved, he could've used more nurturing. It still seems like he needs to be nurtured/comforted, but because of childhood things, it's one of those things he seems to see as a weakness instead of just a basic human need. It also has to be genuine, not contrived, because he needs it to be authentic and coming from some place real, and know that it is. He needs to know it's given without false pretenses, or because someone wants something from.

So he holds himself back, and looks at relationships like a game of strategy. Not out of coldness or meanness, but because he doesn't want to be hurt again. It's sad because I think he may keep himself from finding the things he needs so badly. I can't blame him for his trust issues, or for the possessive "mine" streak I'd bet my life is there even though he probably tries his best not to let it show.

He's looking for a place where he can be vulnerable, but still looked up to and respected, where he's allowed to have weaker moments and still be seen as for the strong man that he is. He needs a woman he can trust completely, and will give him the unconditional love and support he needs without him having to ask for it - I think it would be very hard for him to do that for a long time. This woman would probably need to tread very carefully with trust issues, and be sensitive to the fact that he's been hurt badly by people very very close to him. She'd have to be 100% loyal, and give him and everyone around him no reason to think otherwise. I can see where a woman would bristle at that, but I don't think it comes from a Me Tarzan, You Jane place. I think it's more about being sensitive to what he's been through and understanding that wounds that deep take a while to heal.

He subconsciously ties success, money, superficial things to his worth as a person, even though he knows logically they are separate issues and wants to be loved despite of those things, and even bristles at superficial compliments. Even so, part of him is, I think without realizing it, still trying to please Dad that way, and himself.

He seems to be just worn out with it all and carries this deep sadness like a weight. I'm sure there's much more to the story than what little it felt like I picked up on. I don't know why I got all these "impressions" and like I said I could be so far off. I could just, I don't know, literally feel his pain. I'm awfully tender hearted and compassionate, but this raised the notch on empathy. And I have not been able to get all this off my mind. I really and truly hate to see him so sad. I really would like for him to find what he's looking for, and I'm afraid he will keep his wall up and keep out the things he needs. He's at a point where he seems to need all that now more than ever, and I think he's afraid he'll never find it.

Don't ask me why it bothers me so bad, and no, I'm not hoping he'll let that wall down specifically for me. It's just hard on me to see people hurting, and with him, well you just want to make it all okay, I guess. I've been dying to talk to him about it since we first met, but I just havent been able to have a face to face or even real conversation to do it. I guess I just want him to be able to get that weight off of his shoulders, give himself some credit for the man he is, and open himself up so when the right person does come along that he doesn't push her away. He kinda screams "emotionally unavailable" which is a real relationship turnoff. Its sad, because it seems like thats what he's craving.

Of course there's always a possiblity that I am 100% off. Its just sad. You just want to say something in hopes that you'll help, in hopes that he may work his way out of that sadness. At least give him a place to get it all out. Something. It's just bothered me to no end feeling such a deep sadness from him. I kinda hope I am wrong. If Im not, that means he's in as much pain as I think he is, and well, thats just sad.