Okay dear readers, it's spill my guts time again. So there's this man (of course), who I really like as a person. He seems to be going through alot, like alot of different issues are coming to a head. It's been on my mind for, wow, almost a couple of months I guess, so I need to get it all out.
He has alot of people in his life he knows much better than me, who I'm sure would be happy to be there for him. He just strikes me as someone who has a hard time letting people in. What is to follow is mostly assumptions, so I could be off, but here they go.
I would bet that even in his long term relationships, he always held back a piece of himself. Then he was insecure because deep down he knew he was withholding, and so thought "If you don't really know me, you can't really love me, or all of me." Women, we know how we sense a man is holding back, and I bet two of those ladies in particular really felt it. He came close it seems with both, but they were probably insecure too, and they ended up hurting him because of it. They were wrong, without question, for the things they did to him, I just sense that was where some of it came from.
Coming so close and getting hurt just reinforced his need to hold back and protect himself. What's sad is, I feel like he is dying for someone to love him and respect him for who he is completely, deep down. Someone that knows it all and loves him anyway, with no strings attached. Someone who can see him vulnerable, without seeing him as weak. The thing is, he won't find that until he takes a risk and learns to really open up. He's big and tough and strong and just seems to be someone who commands respect, and deserves it. He also seems to wear a mask of confidence that hides the little boy inside that is insecure and craving unconditional love. He's been wearing it so long I think he's afraid to take it off, even for those he's known all his life - especially those people. I think he feels like in some way he'd be letting them down somehow. He wouldn't be, of course, but he's hard on himself. Things that we all want and need I think he sees in himself as weakness. I don't think he sees it that way in anybody but himself.
He also seems extremely competitive. I can see where that comes from. When he was younger, it seems like parental affection from his father was tied to success and accomplishments, strength and power. I think his Mom was struggling as a single Mom, and though I'm sure he felt loved, he could've used more nurturing. It still seems like he needs to be nurtured/comforted, but because of childhood things, it's one of those things he seems to see as a weakness instead of just a basic human need. It also has to be genuine, not contrived, because he needs it to be authentic and coming from some place real, and know that it is. He needs to know it's given without false pretenses, or because someone wants something from.
So he holds himself back, and looks at relationships like a game of strategy. Not out of coldness or meanness, but because he doesn't want to be hurt again. It's sad because I think he may keep himself from finding the things he needs so badly. I can't blame him for his trust issues, or for the possessive "mine" streak I'd bet my life is there even though he probably tries his best not to let it show.
He's looking for a place where he can be vulnerable, but still looked up to and respected, where he's allowed to have weaker moments and still be seen as for the strong man that he is. He needs a woman he can trust completely, and will give him the unconditional love and support he needs without him having to ask for it - I think it would be very hard for him to do that for a long time. This woman would probably need to tread very carefully with trust issues, and be sensitive to the fact that he's been hurt badly by people very very close to him. She'd have to be 100% loyal, and give him and everyone around him no reason to think otherwise. I can see where a woman would bristle at that, but I don't think it comes from a Me Tarzan, You Jane place. I think it's more about being sensitive to what he's been through and understanding that wounds that deep take a while to heal.
He subconsciously ties success, money, superficial things to his worth as a person, even though he knows logically they are separate issues and wants to be loved despite of those things, and even bristles at superficial compliments. Even so, part of him is, I think without realizing it, still trying to please Dad that way, and himself.
He seems to be just worn out with it all and carries this deep sadness like a weight. I'm sure there's much more to the story than what little it felt like I picked up on. I don't know why I got all these "impressions" and like I said I could be so far off. I could just, I don't know, literally feel his pain. I'm awfully tender hearted and compassionate, but this raised the notch on empathy. And I have not been able to get all this off my mind. I really and truly hate to see him so sad. I really would like for him to find what he's looking for, and I'm afraid he will keep his wall up and keep out the things he needs. He's at a point where he seems to need all that now more than ever, and I think he's afraid he'll never find it.
Don't ask me why it bothers me so bad, and no, I'm not hoping he'll let that wall down specifically for me. It's just hard on me to see people hurting, and with him, well you just want to make it all okay, I guess. I've been dying to talk to him about it since we first met, but I just havent been able to have a face to face or even real conversation to do it. I guess I just want him to be able to get that weight off of his shoulders, give himself some credit for the man he is, and open himself up so when the right person does come along that he doesn't push her away. He kinda screams "emotionally unavailable" which is a real relationship turnoff. Its sad, because it seems like thats what he's craving.
Of course there's always a possiblity that I am 100% off. Its just sad. You just want to say something in hopes that you'll help, in hopes that he may work his way out of that sadness. At least give him a place to get it all out. Something. It's just bothered me to no end feeling such a deep sadness from him. I kinda hope I am wrong. If Im not, that means he's in as much pain as I think he is, and well, thats just sad.
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