Ugh

Those three letters neatly describe what things have been like lately. I could've easily gone with "blah" but hey, a girl has to go with her gut. I have one friend whose sister and I used to be really close, until the sister got into a crowd I didn't care to run with. Now she's in alot of trouble, and I do mean alot. So I'm worried for her and her family. Another friend is going through a custody battle with her husbands nutty ex. She's staying so stressed out she's getting sick every time you turn around. Yet another has issues of her own making her miserable.
I, of course, being me, take on everyone's pain as my own, and thus have been rather down the last few days. Friday night was great, good music, lots of fun. Saturday, well, it all started getting to me and I had no desire whatsoever to be out in public. Sunday was family day, but I was hardly my chipper self.
I need to learn not to care so much for my own sake, but I don't think I can. That's so much a part of who I am and Im not entirely sure I would change it if I could. It does make for some long, sad days sometimes though. Also for a boring blog. Sorry about that.

Drunken Communications

So I had a few drinks last night. Shoot me. Being bar nervous and all, I still needed to blow off a little steam. Enter another of my bad habits - drinking and dialing, and it's just as dangerous cousin, drinking and typing. Yup, I am that friend who will call you out of the blue, with a buzz, to tell you I love you, or just talk about the song on the radio - I need no valid reason at these times.
First thing this morning, then, I browse on and offline sent boxes. I must say I did pretty well. Nothing too damaging or embarrassing. One friend got a "f--- me i drunk" message, which would have only made her laugh. Another got a valid message "u r drunk or you've been phished." Clear thinking on my part, because he had, indeed been phished. No problem there.
I made a few calls, but I didn't think any of those were too bad, so I was actually okay with the fact that I forgot to hide my phone from myself or tape it up altogether. That was until... love that word huh, until I got a semi-serious message on my voicemail this morning.
Apparently at some point last night I decided to try a new angle on Old Friends habit of calling drunk to say he loves me. I called him drunk, and left the message "I don't love you. Not even a little bit, not even at all." Of course, he missed the Green and Eggs and Ham type rhyme I was saying because I must've started speaking before his voicemail started recording. Hence, he did not get the fact that I was playing. Inebriated, yes, that fact was obvious, but it was painfully obvious he was afraid I was upset with him. Way to go me.
All is well, a laugh was had at the explanation, and I am glad I didn't call Mr. Perfect to laugh about the naked dream, so it could've been worse. Still, I wish there was a way to hide all forms of communication from myself just in case.

Anonymity

Yes, it's a beautiful thing on a blog, as many of us well know. There is one other in life I truly enjoy it, and that is in the act of good deeds. A friend and I were discussing something I was planning to do for a mutual friend and she said "Why keep it a secret? They should know you did it." I guess because it's not about me, it's about them. I don't want to do it for the gratitude, or so they'll think I'm a sweetheart. I just want to do it for them. Doing it anonymously takes me out of the equation completely and leaves the focus where it belongs, on the receiver. Why tell the friend then? I needed the address.
I remember years ago, I was struggling financially, and someone sent me a card full of cash with no named signed. It wasn't any handwriting I recognized, and I would have known the handwriting of the usual suspects. I don't know if they had someone else write the address or what, but I was touched that they took the trouble to think of me. I would have loved to say thank you, but in all honesty, I have a hard time taking help from others. I much more prefer to be the giver. Whoever did it probably knew that about me. Anyway, while I had done good deeds on the sly before that, it really reinvigorated my efforts.
The point of tonight's rambling? If you haven't done it, or just haven't in a while, try reaching out to someone in need and remaining anonymous. It doesn't have to be money, or a huge gift. You never know how much a nice gesture or kind words may mean to someone else. And what better time than the holidays to try to touch someone's heart?

More Late Ramblings

Wow. I have that can't sleep feeling. This is probably one of those post you will read, nod your head, and say to yourself "Yup, she's a nut." Remember how I couldn't get those boys that wrecked out of mind, even though I didn't know them at all? Okay, that's just me and how I am, and sometimes I meet someone and I'm drawn to them not just for normal reasons. Every once in a while I meet someone and get pretty deep impressions from them quickly. I see the hurt and I want to help and I hate to see them hurting. I've got pretty good intuition anyway, my problem is usually listening to it. Anyway, I've always liked my Granny's explanation. She said people are put into your lives, be they friends, lovers, whatever, for a reason. So in turn, we are put into other peoples lives for a reason. That pull towards someone is letting us know that particular connection has meaning, and that you crossed paths for a reason, and that one of you is there to give/receive something the other has to offer or needs.
I hope that explains this. I talked to a friend today I've thought about alot. Through the few conversations we've had I have gotten alot of deeper impressions, and picked up on things maybe most wouldn't. Or maybe I'm just completely nuts and way off base. We will hope for the former. Anyway, there is alot of pain there. Alot of hurt, and it's balled up and hidden under a mask of confidence. I hate to use the word impressions again I just can't think of another that comes close to describing this... but I just seem to "get" alot and see alot deeper. It's like I can see a light there that is special, but being hidden. I can't shake the worry, the wanting to help. I really truly hate to see people hurting, and I just want to make it all better. I've had that feeling since we first met, and some of my immediate impressions were correct according to my friend, as were some things I just assumed that were confirmed later. So I know there's something to this. I have tried just shaking it off since it's in no way my place, and in no way are we close enough for it to concern me. Yet it does. It's bugged me that it does, and I don't understand it. The more I ignore it the more it eats at me. So I'm gonna go with it rather than let it drive me crazy or wonder why on earth it matters to me when clearly it does. I may lose a friend over it, and I hope not. But if Granny is right and those tuggings in your mind are guidance, then trying to reach out must be what I'm supposed to do. I hate to lose a new friend over it, but maybe something will come of it and make it all worth it and maybe in some weird way I can help. Yes, I fully realize I am beyond tired and rambling and must sound as if I'm talking in code. It's just the conversation we had earlier just jump started that feeling that I need to come in there somehow. It will keep eating at me till I get it done. I just had this urge not long after we met to just I don't know, fix it, ease the pain, something. Its so hard to explain. It's a sit down or long conversation type thing, and I don't know when or if it will take place, but the ball isn't in my court now. I've reached out and that's all I can do.

Revert to High School

This is obviously going to be much more shallow than my mini epiphany from the last post, but it is such a fun idea that I had to share. I do wonder though, why is that the commitment to post every day is over, I actually have things I want to post daily? Just my luck I guess.
Anyway, it's a tag meets pay it forward meets AA type game, except for apologizing to people, you thank them - even the ones who haven't been very nice. Not ideal for clients or business contacts to say the least, but a blast for friends and it really does make you look at a negative situation with a positive spin. It also may require an awkward call/text/message of some kind, but that's okay. The rules are only that you get the thank you in there, somehow, some way. You can explain the game or not, but I chose to with just about everyone. It ended up pretty funny with some.
To friends husband: Thank you for making Friend happy, and for infinite patience with drunk females. To another friend: Thank you for always being my designated dialer when we are out together - Friends don't let friends drink and dial. And yes, I even threw in the rude people, which was a bit awkward, but it gave me a good laugh.
You'll get some great responses, trust me, and more than likely will take more than a few walks down memory lane. You'll even have a few sweet thoughtful responses, and maybe deepen a friendship or two while you're having fun with this. So even though it sounds silly, it really is worth it to take a few minutes out of your day and play along.

Light Dawns on Marble Head

Okay, maybe it was beer and disappointment induced, but I had a light bulb moment last night, to borrow a phrase from Oprah. I was thinking about how incredibly rough this year had been. I've had quite a bit of bad luck. One big thing after another, followed by alot of little things that seemed bigger from the rawness left over from the actual life altering events. Some of the bigger and some of the smaller things involved men, but it wasn't actually the men themselves that got me. I'm mostly a, well, that's a shame kind of girl when it comes to disappointment with men. With the ex, things hurt, of course, but not long. To be honest I was so numb by the end that it was almost a relief for it to be over.
Then there was the Mr. Perfect roller coaster which was just odd, but no real hurt feelings there and the feeling guilty about how much I love those uncomplicated times with Old Friend. These two fall into the no big deal category obviously, but they still bugged me. I tend to way over analyze things, and I have a primal need to understand why I do what I do. After all, the biggest relationship we have is with ourselves, and I'd let that one go while with the ex.
So as I lay down, slightly buzzed, I wondered what it was that made time with Mr. Perfect and Old Friend so comforting lately and it hit me. I flat out miss the intimacy. I dont miss my ex, as a person, as a friend, in no shape form or fashion. I've known that for a long time. I actually have been enjoying being on my own in many many ways. I guess what got the ball rolling wasn't the sex, even though it was good, or the fun of having a crush and flirting again. It was laying in bed, in between all that sex, having semi to full fledged deep conversations while laying naked and all snuggled up.
It's the same with Old Friend, minus the sex and naked part. There is intimacy there of it's own kind. Laying there, snuggled up, sometimes with no conversation at all. Just knowing you're loved and wanted and in a safe place - it's obviously a deeper level of intimacy even though it's not so much the romantic type. Years of history add to that big time. Also, knowing I am wanted there even though there will be absolutely no sex, just me as a person, not as a lover. That's quite comforting. So all of this hits me and everything makes sense all of the sudden.
Now I know what I'm looking for, what it is I'm missing in my life. Granted, it's not easy to find a connection like that, or a man who is comfortable with intimacy. I could always just fill that need with Old Friend, like he does with me, but that's not what I want in the long run even if it is a good band aid. Eventually, I want that type of intimacy that can include the sex and the naked aspects without taking away from the intimacy itself. I'd also like to find it with someone who will let that intimacy deepen without rushing the other areas of the relationship. I don't know if I'm articulating that well, but I know what it is I'm looking for now. It probably won't make it a bit easier to find, but I'm sure it will make it easier to recognize when I do.

Saturday Morning Rambling

I didn't head out last night. I was in the tub, about to get ready, when I changed my mind and decided down time would be last night. I feel sort of bad, because I have been MIA with those friends for a while. I love 'em all, it just drives me crazy doing the same things with the same people all of the time. Years ago it was the same drill - everyone meet at a restaurant then head to a bar. And to be completely honest, even though it makes me sound like a complete baby, I do not think I will go to a bar again without my friend and her level headed husband, or a really big guy. At least not for a while. That just really creeped me out.
I don't know still about tonight, though I guess I should be figuring it out. I don't know if I'll do the movie, low-key thing or what. I'm going back and forth between low key hanging out and doing something I haven't in a while. Like karaoke - big guy or friend and husband present of course, or go carts and the batting cages. I've actually been wanting to drill a ball for a while now. Of course, it's a two hour drive to the nearest cage. I just need something. Something different.
I had the exact same dream about Mr.Perfect last night, except for one major detail. IT WASN'T HIM. The face was all blurry, like someone who wants to hide their identity on TV. Maybe that's my inner self's way of saying I still want those qualities, just not that guy. (The other ruder qualities just killed it -ugh). Anyway, I thought that was strange but insightful in a way and thought I'd share while I was on here.
Yes, I know, not much interesting stuff. I guess I got in the habit of daily blogging with the NaBloPloMo commitment this month. I'll ease my way back out of it, don't worry.